So, I'm at it again

Full disclosure....
This depression thing is really difficult. It's almost 1:30 AM as I'm writing this. I've been looking for work, trying  to re-brand myself, a total image makeover. Isn't it funny how we can really never be happy with ourselves? Well, maybe you are.

Re-invention. I've been scouring so many artist's gateways and networking sites it's tiring. I've gone to this website to get noticed. You know, put my name "out there." I almost feel like this kind of endeavor is like looking around in a cave that's pitch black. Have you ever been in one? I have. Nothing travels in there. The air is damp and musty. Guano can be everywhere. And I'm shouting at the top of my lungs just trying to get someone to notice. It's tiring. Then there's this one. It's for contract work for creatives. Gosh. Am I creative?

I've been in the construction industry for my entire adult working life. My father was a general contractor. He was a good, decent, God-fearing man who read his Bible every night before going to bed. He built a business by building homes. I worked with him first. There were days when I hated it. I wanted to be painting or drawing, or something. I felt like life was holding me back. Funny, I still find myself thinking that from time to time. Not sure what to do, who I am, what I was made for....

I miss my dad. Maybe I haven't had enough coffee.

The painting you see below is from a year previous. I've debated posting it because it was during a particularly low point when I was in the middle of a depressive episode and all I wanted to do was hide. Still not sure if sharing it will be beneficial to anybody. Someone who had seen it commented that it was "compelling."

Self-Portrait 2010

It's almost 2:00 AM. I'm going to bed.

10 Seconds to Obedience

The 10 Second Rule, by Clare Degraaf is an interesting read. Received it in the mail a couple of weeks back from our homeschooling curriculum company and it has challenge some assumptions I have had about following God's will. That's because I'm indecisive. And so in my indecision I really make a decision: "I'm not going to do anything." So, I've got this really long string of "do-nothings" to my credit that have made my account in my obedience chart a negative.  OK, OK. I know some members of my vast reading public, who are Christian, will read that and think, "This sounds like some works trip." (For those of you who don't know, works refers to this idea that a person can earn their salvation--it's like do good and get paid back eternal life)

Let me explain what I mean. Last night I was talking with friends about a passage in the Bible, in particular James' letter, chapter two.  "You see," he wrote, "a person is justified by works and not by faith alone." Now that's an interesting statement.

"Really, James. You don't mean that, do you?" I ask.

"Why wouldn't I mean that," he replies. "Isn't that what I wrote."

"Hmm..."

"Well, think about it this way." (Here's the part where my sanctified imagination kind of takes over) "You see, There was this harlot named Rahab. She didn't dilly-dally. When the spies left her apartment, she immediately put out that red chord outside her window. Don't you also think that the people who knew her--thinking about the prostitute thing, here--probably wondered what she was doing hanging a red chord out her window which happened to be on the outside of the city wall? She did. She was acting immediately because of this knowledge that something was about to happen and it would effect the rest of her life."

I thought, "Well, yeah. It did, didn't it?" The story goes that "chance" encounter with two spies altered the course of history. Jesus who was also called the Messiah was a direct descendant. Amazing. Amazing God.

The other thing is, faith and works go together like peanut butter & jelly, or chocolate and peanut butter, or bacon and eggs, or Starsky & Hutch, or...sorry out of similes. The idea is that of telios or completion. Think about Adam without Eve. Faith and Works are friends, true friends. Faith by itself is "useless" (ESV), or "dead" (KJV). It's not really faith at all, right?

But then some may ask, "Dave, What about the thief on the cross? He didn't 'do' anything. And according to your definition here, he didn't really have faith."

One answer is: he did have "works." And I believe that it is true because he did challenge the other thief on the cross (Luke 23:39-43). No matter the time and location faith has to have feet. So many of us forget that. I do, for sure. I very often choose to forget to love my wife--more than tell her, "I love you."

I'm understanding this more and more. I can say I believe in one thing and everything else I do screams more loudly that I don't really believe in that at all. Oh God, help me!

So, I guess what I'm trying to point out is that I need to be more "impulsive" in doing good for others. According to Graaf that is how you grow in obedience and faith at the same time.

Is that Me?

I forgotten where I've placed my keys before. Frustrating, because it usually happens when I'm in a hurry to get somewhere. Or, my children (most notably our toddler who is two now) takes my keys to play with them. Don't worry, it's not just my keys. No, no. It's my cell phone, loose change, our real phone, my wife's keys, or glasses, or that special pen that has to stay in my journal because if I don't have it I can't possibly put any thoughts on paper--the key to my sanity--oh, where was I? Yes, keys.

I couldn't remember my blog address this morning. Panic. I've got to write. My muse in nudging me. No problem. I'll Google my name. And there. For the first time I see the name of my blog on the top of a search list. Sweet.The internet is amazing. Now I think my blog has something to say. I am a voice in this digital community. I am Me.

Who am I? Steelie-Dave, Fly Fishing Guy.

Still don't know where my keys are though.