So, I'm at it again

Full disclosure....
This depression thing is really difficult. It's almost 1:30 AM as I'm writing this. I've been looking for work, trying  to re-brand myself, a total image makeover. Isn't it funny how we can really never be happy with ourselves? Well, maybe you are.

Re-invention. I've been scouring so many artist's gateways and networking sites it's tiring. I've gone to this website to get noticed. You know, put my name "out there." I almost feel like this kind of endeavor is like looking around in a cave that's pitch black. Have you ever been in one? I have. Nothing travels in there. The air is damp and musty. Guano can be everywhere. And I'm shouting at the top of my lungs just trying to get someone to notice. It's tiring. Then there's this one. It's for contract work for creatives. Gosh. Am I creative?

I've been in the construction industry for my entire adult working life. My father was a general contractor. He was a good, decent, God-fearing man who read his Bible every night before going to bed. He built a business by building homes. I worked with him first. There were days when I hated it. I wanted to be painting or drawing, or something. I felt like life was holding me back. Funny, I still find myself thinking that from time to time. Not sure what to do, who I am, what I was made for....

I miss my dad. Maybe I haven't had enough coffee.

The painting you see below is from a year previous. I've debated posting it because it was during a particularly low point when I was in the middle of a depressive episode and all I wanted to do was hide. Still not sure if sharing it will be beneficial to anybody. Someone who had seen it commented that it was "compelling."

Self-Portrait 2010

It's almost 2:00 AM. I'm going to bed.